Old and young 6: Xcuse me sir, can you tell me where I am?

Old:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

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Old and young 5: Put your name on ice

Old:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her as her face and her glare became more intense.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

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A walk on the blind side

Sandra Bullock gave her career a major fillip in her role as Lee Ann Tuohy, the star role of the movie, "The Blind Side". I was never quite able to enjoy Ms Bullock, maybe because her career was spoilt by earlier silly roles. But she really does put that right in this great movie.

Her co-star, Quinton Aaron, plays the role of Michael Oher, a giant black boy who is given an outside chance in an upmarket Christian School. But he has no chance really, not as long as his core needs are left unresolved. Those needs include having no place to live, no bed to lie on, no regular supply of food, no ability to read or learn, no surname, no identity and a sadly diminished sense of self.

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So how does your garden grow?

Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses....

My brother sent these thoughts, just after I published a post about apple trees and what makes them bear fruit. It is timeous and relevant.

A garden needs thyme: Thyme for each other, thyme for family and thyme for friends

Plant three rows of peas: peas of mind, peas of heart and peas of soul

Add four rows of squash: Squash gossip, squash indifference, squash grumbling and squash selfishness

Plant some lettuce: Lettuce be faithful, lettuce be kind, lettuce be patient, lettuce really love one another

No garden can be wthout turnips: Turnip for meetings, turnip for service and turnip to help one another

Water with patience, cultivate with love. There will be much fruit because you will reap what you sow.

Source: Chris Missing

Old and young 4: Get your teeth into a Bond book or someone else

4Old:

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

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Old and young 3: I said "expand", not stretch

Old:

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

So much for hearing ... what about listening. If only learners would listen and do what thair examiners ask them to do ... but then again, there is always an individual with a twisted sense of humour and they are always good for a laugh. Enough to make any teacher's day.

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Old and young 2: A happy wet boy and a not so happy back seat driver

Old

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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Old and young 1: Up and downstairs is how God made it

Because family and people are so vital to me I thought I would depart from my normal pattern and share some accumulated stuff that is so worth a good laugh. Problem is half of what I have relates to senior souls the other half to kids, so why not just play it safe and go down the middle. My collection includes some very funny little snippets about old people or by old people, plus some great extracts of kids answers to exam or test questions, the kind of answers that either drive teachers batty or make their careers so worthwhile -  enjoy:

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To the victor, the victory spoils

It weighs almost 7kg (13.6lb), is made of 18 carat, hollowed gold and is 26.5 centimeters (14.4 inches) tall. Although its real value is probably less than $100,000 its intrinsic value far exceeds that. It may be regarded as priceless.

The former Jules Rimet trophy was stolen in 1983 and never recovered, although it had already passed into the perpetual possession of Brazil after they won the world cup three times. In 1997, a Jules Rimet trophy was auctioned and bought by FIFA for about $250,000, almost ten times the reserve price, but it was later found to be a replica of the original, which remains lost.

In 2038 it may be due for replacement when all the available name plates provided on the current trophy will have been used up.

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Waving Flag

K'naan's iconic hit, which fully eclipsed Shakiras confusing, unmelodic attempt at a world cup song, not only captured the spirit of the FIFA world cup, it also pulled the rug from under the organisers feet. Its not the only such case either. Dutch fans were coopted by a Dutch firm in a very cheeky ambush marketing campaign.

The upstaging of the official world cup song, goes to the essence of Waving Flags lyrics. It is a song about great struggles against injustice and poverty, which yields to a freedom just like a waving flag. The great image of Liberty leading the people, by Delacroix, conveys the same theme. So did Verdi's slave chorus, which captured the yearnings of the Hebrews when they were exiled to Babylon. There are so many similar themes all speaking of the greatest cries of humanity.

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Its more than life and death

With four more matches to play, the world cup is all but over. Nations came and went. Some just came to play, some came for much more. Someone once said of cricket, “It’s not a matter of life and death, its more than that”. The same could be said of some of the teams and nations represented in this competition.

The Dutch team somehow managed to assemble an entourage of 100,000 people who joined their cavalcade through the streets of Cape Town. The Argentineans played their drums. The South Africans trumpeted their Vuvuzelas. Others sported their national colors on their faces and in their waved banners.

The picture of a Mohican warrior supporting his own team, captures the spirit of the occasion well enough. Not far below the smile, joy and innocence of the moment is a warrior mentality. Maybe the advancement of the human race has tamed much of that feistiness that set nation against nation and kingdom against kingdom in past eras.

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Your treasure is where your heart is

I posed a question to a group of learners today - if money was no consideration, would they choose a small, reliable car over a jewel encrusted, precious watch. After some debate they agreed that the car probably would then have to take priority, given its supassing utility value.

A bushman was taken into a big city and shown all the marvels of the modern world, but before returning to his arid wild place they asked him, "of all the things you have seen, what would you most like to take home with you?"

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Times and seasons

The beach vendor caught in a news lens, somewhat tells his own story. With only 4 games remaining in the FIFA world cup, the bonanza for vendors is fading, as is this season of football. Soon life for all will plod along again as we return to the grind of real life.

As I write, the sun is lighting the sky and the tinging the heavens with hope for a new day. However, the inexorable course of the sun across our skies dictates that for me to have a sunrise, others must be heading towards a sunset or some other phase in their life cycles.

The sunrise is just a subset of the greater dawns that herald the start of seasons. We all have our seasons. It starts with our birth: that most wonderful of all moments when life starts. Beyond that we face other seasons, some exciting, some not so. The start of school is a big milestone for many children, but later they enter the season of puberty or high school or college or marriage or parenting.

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Independence day

In 1776, the Second Continental Congress, chaired by Thomas Jefferson, issued the declaration of independence, by which the US was formally separated from Great Britain. The exact date is disputed, but not the fact. The day earlier, John Adams claimed the day as the most memorable epoch in US history.

The original document is now archived in the Smithsonian Institute, but it is sealed from exposure to light and air, so precious is the document to the people of America. Indeed, the birthing of that nation has resulted in arguably the most patriotic culture of earth. On this day, all Americans hold their heads high and strut their stuff in proud display of their priceless independence. Its a time of festivities, family meals and fireworks.

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